Magical Thinking #1: I will find the perfect shoe
Let’s start with my favorite magical thinking first: somewhere out there, exists a perfect shoe for us RAers.
I know I’m lying to myself with this one, but the quest is never ending. I love shoes, so, even with the blisters and sore feet pads, it’s a pretty fun quest to be on.
I have two new shoes to test out in the upcoming months: Faux Fur-Lined Tom’s & Yoga Sling Sanuks. The box was waiting on my doorstep as I came home from work today and I seriously did a happy dance. Shoes! :)
So far they’re both very comfortable. I’m bringing both on an upcoming trip, so I’ll let you know how they hold up.
Magical Thinking #2: I can gargle my sore throat away
Way less fun is my sore throat that refuses to subside. It started last Friday and has progressively gotten worse, not better. Despite heaps of vitamin C, garlic, immune boosters, salt water gargling, and my ACV elixir. I was on the fence about whether to skip my Enbrel and methotrexate this week, because both are immune suppressants. My RA symptoms have definitely been more active recently, so I begrudgingly skipped the drugs. Sure enough, today they’re flaring a bit again. So much ugh, only new shoes could cheer me up (see above, yay!).
The surprisingly not awful, throat-soothing, but in no way a cure, ACV elixir recipe:
- A generous splash of organic apple cider vinegar
- A dash of cayenne pepper
- A dash of ground giner
- A heap of honey
- A squeeze of lemon
- Enough hot water to mix it up and make it palatable
Magical Thinking #3: I’m ready to start training for another marathon
It’s counter intuitive, I know. I’m sick, my RA symptoms are flaring, I just bought two new pairs of shoes and they have nothing to do with running…. But there’s something about being stuck on the couch that makes me brainstorm big goals. I’ve mapped out a 10k in May, a half marathon in July, and marathon in October.
We’ll see. The timing may change and the races may change, but I’m motivated to push myself to train for something, despite (or maybe because of) the pain!
What does it mean to be a victim? It means you feel powerless and completely out of control of your situation.
On days that your RA flares, your chronic disease rears it’s head, your cancer makes a comeback, you hurt, how do you avoid falling into the victim mindset?
For me, it’s days where my feet don’t cooperate and I fall out of bed and have to stumble around my apartment for a bit until they “warm” up. It’s days that my fingers cramp and my wrists ache so much it sucks to type or play video games. It’s days where I know exercising would help, but it sounds like the hardest thing to do.
On those days, it’s easy to want to play the victim card. Why have I been dealt this? Please take care of me. There’s nothing I can do, so I won’t do anything at all.
There are probably some benefits to being the victim every now and again. It means you’re more likely to ask for, and accept, help. It means you might take it easy. Maybe, just maybe, it means you’ll stop being so hard on yourself from taking a break (you are a victim after all).
But there’s also a whole host of negatives to letting your life or disease let you sink into a victim mentality. It makes you feel weak. I can’t play videogames because my RA is so bad. versus I need a break from videogames right now because my RA is flaring, but there’s plenty of other things I can do.
It makes you focus on the negative. My feet are so stiff, I fall out of bed in the morning. versus My treatment is working so well, it’s rare that I have these days where my feet are so stiff I fall out of bed in the morning.
It makes you angry. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? versus Some things, like my getting RA, are out of my control, but I’m not my RA and I’m strong enough to deal with the symptoms.
It causes a spiral of depression. I can’t. Take pity on me. I need help. Why doesn’t anyone care or notice my pain? versus I’m having a bad day and could use a little extra help and support today. This is the stuff of victims. The stuff of sitting on your couch feeling sorry for yourself. This is the stuff of depression.
And depression is a BIG deal, perhaps especially for those with RA and other chronic diseases. It has been proven to worsen symptoms and those with RA have a higher chance of being depressed than those without (gee, wonder why?).
So how do you avoid being a victim?
When you’re feeling powerless, try to think of 1-3 things you do have power over. For example: I can’t control my flare causing my hands to swell and stiffen, but I can talk to my doctor about adjusting my medication, eat a diet that could help reduce swelling, and go out to a movie to distract myself.
Try to re-frame your inner dialogue. Look at the examples above. Try adding qualifiers such as “right now” to remind yourself that your situation is temporary. Remind yourself of your strength and the things that are going well.
Ask for help when you need it. Don’t just believe you deserve help and then feel sorry for yourself when you don’t get it. Tap into your network and accept support from those who love you.
Do you have any other tips for avoiding the victim mentality? I’d love to hear them!
You may recall my last post when I was reeling about United Healthcare’s decision to raise Enbrel from a tier 2 drug ($30 per month copay) to tier 4 ($250 per month). Right before Christmas.
Well, if United Healthcare is Scrooge, Enbrel is Santa.
After hearing the news about the drug costs going up, I sent an appeal to United. It was quickly denied. I then approached my doctor, who was hesitant to switch me to Humira, which had been newly deemed affordable by my fickle insurance. Apparently, going off a drug can make it lose it’s efficacy if you decide to get back on later. And since Enbrel’s working for me, my doc didn’t want to make the change.
Instead, my doctor recommended calling the Enbrel Support Group. I had gotten info on this when I first got on Enbrel, but because my co-pay was inexpensive, I didn’t take advantage of it.
Well, it turns out Enbrel Support has a program that will assist you in your copays. As the kind man on the other end of the phone told me (and, yes, he actually sounded like Santa): “We know Enbrel can be expensive. We want to help where we can.” I almost cried.
He signed me up for an Enbrel Support Card and told me they are starting a brand new reimbursement policy to circumvent UHC’s new stance on not taking “coupons” or support cards as payment. For the first six months, they’ll pay your full copay. After that, they cover all but $10 per month.
This all definitely seemed too good to be true. I didn’t really believe I’d ever be paid back when I refilled my prescription this week and forked over $250.
But now, sure enough, I received a check in the mail for the full amount. Thank you Enbrel Support!!
Seriously, if you’re in the position of struggling to pay your Enbrel copays, check them out: http://www.enbrel.com/ENBREL-support-card-program.jspx
And since my last post was so Grinch-y, here’s one to lighten the mood. Thanks Carla!
Originally posted on Carla's Corner:
As it’s now only a few days until Christmas, I thought I’d reprise last year’s post (to be sung, hummed, or laughed at to the tune of “Twelve Days of Christmas”).
On the twelfth day of Christmas, RA brought to me:
12 joints a-flaring,
11 scripts a-filling,
10 toes a-throbbing,
9 labs a-drawing,
8 workdays missing,
7 doctors billing,
6 X-rays to be taken,
5 new pills,
4 side effects,
3 new tests,
2 swollen knees,
And a new D-M-A-R-D.
“And God bless us, every one.” Tim Cratchit, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
Ah, late December. A time of beautiful lights, giving, and the great health insurance scramble.
As co-founder of my company, I’m lucky enough to have a huge impact on choosing the health insurance we provide. One of the deciding factors for me is being able to get my Rheumatoid Arthritis drugs at a low co-pay. Through United Healthcare, it’s been $10 per month for methotrexate, $10 per month for folic acid, and $30 per month for Enbrel.
In other words, $50 a month for drugs. A reasonable-enough price to pay for my health. It is the number one reason we decided to keep our UHC plan for 2015.
So shock me, shock me, shock me (Any Empire Records fans? Read on, there’s a gif for you below.) when I get a letter saying that beginning January 1, 2015, Enbrel will be considered a “Tier 4″ drug and will not be eligible for the Enbrel Assistance program. After some digging, I found out that this means it’s going up to $250 per month with no opportunity to enroll in any payment assistance programs Enbrel provides.
What? Merry Christmas to you too, United Healthcare.
Their advice? Try another drug.
That’s all good and fine. They’re willing to cover Humira or Cimzia, but I’m feeling pretty violated. I know violated may seem like a strong word for this situation, but that’s how it’s feeling. I’m being forced to put an unknown drug into my body because my healthcare has made an arbitrary change to their coverage. Enbrel is a known quantity for me. It’s effective in treating my RA, side effects are pretty minimal for me, and my body is used to it. Humira and Cimzia are not.
Not to mention, my rheumatologist claims that though the risk of switching is “probably pretty minimal”, there is a risk that I could lose the efficacy of Enbrel if I ever need it again. Joy!
So, have any of you RA folks made the change from Enbrel to Humira or Cimzia? How did it go? Are any of you on Humira or Cimzia? How did you like it?
Thanks for all your input and Happy Holidays to you all (in the non-grinchy, healthcare-trying-to-screw-you way, of course!)
Oh man, I’ve been neglecting this blog! Sorry guys. There’s nothing like that three month rheumatologist appointment to remind me to get writing!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the journey I’ve been on with my RA. I went from the fear that came with diagnosis, to dogmatic hope and determination that I could get rid of said pesky diagnosis, to bleak acceptance, to a sort of new normal.
That new normal is what I want to talk about. I think it probably looks different for everybody.
But, at any rate, here’s what my new normal means for me:
- it means I normally operate with an acceptance of my disease – it’s chronic, it’s painful, it ebbs and flows
- it means I still hold onto the hope that better scientific research may lead to better treatments and possibly a cure
- it means that I constantly remind myself that “chronic” is just a word. Diseases change and even chronic ones may go away
- it means that I am almost ALWAYS uncomfortably aware of my body. At moments when I want to focus, my feet are screaming (like recently standing during the funeral of a friend…I wanted to be focused and be there for all the people who loved him, but there were my inflamed feet, in pain and begging for my attention). At moments when I want to be serene and zen (like in yoga classes when my wrists are acting up).
- it means that some mornings my feet and hands don’t work the way they should. They’re frozen, sore, and just not ready to start the day
- it means feeling that I’m constantly balancing the desire for understanding with the desire to not burden others by complaining. Usually I stay quiet.
- it means I have a new relationship with some powerful drugs. Drugs with life-changing results and uncomfortable side effects
- it means I am a whole lot more patient with myself and others
- it means that not a day goes by when I’m not grateful for my body, my mind, my life and my loved ones
What does your new normal mean for you?